Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Happy Halloween or Satan Tastes Trees!

You would not believe how stiff and sore I am right now. My shoulder keeps popping, and my hip needs to pop but it wont so it is currently a constant source of pain. This past Saturday my house hosted a Halloween Costume Party. I think it went pretty well, it was amusing if nothing else and it definitely went better then the party the week before which I pretty much avoided as much as I could. This is due mostly to the fact that most of these parties are populated by pre-twenty something’s and barely legal drunkards. Last weeks party ended with a short yelling match between my self and another roommate at 4 in the morning, She and her guests were being louder than I thought was absolutely necessary at that particular point in the morning. The part that annoyed me more than anything else was that my roommate was one of the loudest of the group and yet one of her guests was shushing people for over 2 hours. How sad is it when your guests are more considerate than your roommates? So after a mildly uneventful week (There was some mild drama with a former girlfriend, but everything worked itself out in the end.) As stated previously we had a costume party Saturday evening, I think that we are very lucky this party could have easily grown out of control. We were lucky that while people were constantly arriving, less than half stayed for the whole party. It seemed as though every time I looked up from what ever drunken person I was monitoring, there was an entire ocean of faces I didn’t recognize. There was a girl dancing in her bra which as you know is never a bad thing. There were quite a few skimpy costumes, and even a few that showed people actually put effort into their costume, my costume was more of a prop. I had a giant magnet with little baby chicks sewn to it, I.E. “A Chick Magnet”. The costume worked out really well for me because it allowed me to dress normal and I didn’t have to wear a mask. (With the possible exception of my Spider-Man mask, I pretty much do everything in my power to avoid wearing anything over my face, I would like to pretend it’s because of how hot it gets or because I don’t like when my face gets all sweaty. But I think we all know it’s because it’s harder to shove food in my face through a latex mask.) The Roommates Costumes were as follows, Down Stairs consisted of an adorable Raggedy Anne costume (by far the cutest costume of the evening) A very Sexy Bat Girl, and what I’m guessing was a topless male roommate. (He had no shirt a majority of the evening, but no other identifiable costume to speak of either.) Upstairs we had a Sexy Witch and a Vivacious Vampire. As well as the previously mentioned Chick Magnet of yours truly. As to the reason why I am so sore this would be because of a guest appropriately dressed as Satan, His girlfriend was the previously mentioned girl dancing in her bra. Satan apparently had too much to drink and spent about an hour and a half outside vomiting, I informed the topless wonder about his situation and she went out to help him, we then spent the next hour trying to convince him to go up stairs and go to sleep on the couch that I had prepared for him. This is the point when things started getting rather stupid. The whole time he was crying and vomiting and basically blubbering like an idiot. All the while telling her that she should leave him, she could do so much better than a guy like him. (The obvious fact that I agree with him could go with out saying.) He kept saying he couldn’t walk because he was going to vomit again. Then after an attempt to pick him up he ran past the back yard and down the hill behind our house. (I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but our house is on the front Acre of a 7 acre spread. The Hill behind our house is more or less a 60-70 foot downward slope. Covering the entire slope are these thick thorny low bushes… and they are very thorny!) Satan slipped and fell (as it was raining earlier in the day.) slid a good ten to fifteen feet down into the thorns, being eloquent as most drunken fools are he commented on his situation. “It’s all pokey down here…” (If I’m lying I’m dying.) His girlfriend (by the end of this particular evening should have been nominated for the Girlfriend of the year award.) followed him down into the thorns. Mind you he is fully dressed in a long sleeve shirt, full pants and huge freaking boots. She was in a sleeveless Tee (about in hour prior to all this excitement she had put her shirt back on and given her bra to some guys who were plotting to embarrass the unfortunate fellow who had the misfortune to be the first person to pass out at the party, in women’s undergarments and in permanent marker about how much he enjoyed the male anatomy.) pants and socks. Yours truly was wearing an under shirt, a button up short sleeve a pair of jeans and flips-flops. Obviously falling down the thorny blackberry hill wasn’t high on my list of things to do… but sigh, what can you do.? In my defense I watched them from the top of the hill for a good ten to fifteen minutes, because well thorns hurt and I wanted as little to do with them as possible. But he was continuing to be belligerent and then when she finally had decided to give up on him, and come back up to me she started removing his very real knives… Apparently he had four of them on him… (Can you imagine how annoyed I would have been if I was trying to help this guy and he stabbed me? I mean honestly… Sheesh!) As She was removing his knives he started pushing her and trying to hit her, this is where my concern for her outweighed my concern for the thorns. I climbed/slid/fell down to them and some how managed to get my left leg caught in a hole underneath his body while my right leg was at an uncomfortable right angle around the girl. I helped her as much as I could, for this I received not one, not two, but three swift kicks in the chest, with his very heavy boots… (Thank you ever so much Doc Martin…Sigh) I put my over shirt on the girl because she was freezing and then did my best to pull this guy up the hill, mind you with him fighting me the whole way… Now an important piece of information that hasn’t been given at this point is Satan’s Physical appearance. When standing he was between 6’1” and 6’3” and easily 230lbs, our sleeveless sock less wonder girl stood at 5’3” and maybe 95 lbs soaking wet. He fell again and the girl was in tears so I hit him in the gut and told him that we were going up the hill whether he liked it or not, at this point in a partial moment of clarity he stood up and scaled the hill, I half carried the wonder girl up to the top and then went after him fearing he would run out into the street at the front of the house. I caught up to him (five points for the agility of the fat sober guy) wrapped his arm over my shoulder and half drug him to the front door, his girlfriend and I made a couple of attempts to get him up the three steps to the front door but being the arse that he was he made it very difficult, he threw her off and flailed his way out of my grip, At this point I was fed up and hit him solidly in the jaw, followed by a shoulder tackle into the Evergreen hedge bush things (They are like 10 feet tall and we have a 15 foot wall of them in front of the house upstairs. And two days later you can still see the imprint we made.) He was trying to get up but he was completely stuck underneath me with my elbow under his jaw lodged in his throat. This is when he said the funniest thing I had heard the whole night, in a very whiny and pathetically strained voice he said “I taste tree!” It took everything in my power not to burst out laughing at that point. I pulled him up and after much less struggle managed to force him inside and onto the waiting couch. He spent the remainder of the late morning in his girlfriends arms clutching a pink bucket with which he continued to vomit into, to her credit his girlfriend stayed by him the whole night running her fingers through his hair and comforting him as he whimpered. At one point before I headed to bed, she looked up at me and mouthed that she had to use the restroom, with a heavy sigh I helped her wiggle out and took her place holding his head and basically being their for him, she returned a few minutes later and we did the wiggle once more. Four hours later she had to wrestle him out of bed as six of the people that had stayed the night all had to be to work. I remained in my warm bed with a less than warm smile across my lips. When I finally did get up I saw some of the after math of the night before, I am guessing they didn’t have enough time to clean up after themselves, so his pink vomit bucket was in the middle of the room. (As you can imagine the living room reeked to high hell!) On the lighter side there were pieces of the tree all over the couch and floor. I’m guessing he was rather covered in tree parts. Cleaning up after the party was highly amusing and didn’t take too terribly long, some how there was Pico de gallo all over the kitchen cupboards and in the bathroom as well. I think I have rambled on for long enough I hope you all Have a wonderful Halloween. And I’ll talk at you soon.

Random Fact of the Day:
On October 31st after the crops were all harvested and stored for the long winter the cooking fires in the homes would be extinguished. The Druids, the Celtic priests, would meet in the hilltop in the dark oak forest (oak trees were considered sacred). The Druids would light new fires and offer sacrifices of crops and animals. As they danced around the fires, the season of the sun passed and the season of darkness would begin.
When the morning arrived the Druids would give an ember from their fires to each family who would then take them home to start new cooking fires. These fires would keep the homes warm and free from evil spirits.
The November 1st festival was called Samhain (pronounced "sow-en"). The festival would last for 3 days. Many people would parade in
costumes made from the skins and heads of their animals. This festival would become the first Halloween.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I.D. Theft, Crack Head Clues And A Robbery

So I have this funny little habit that I have picked up while working at the bank. I randomly hold peoples ID’s hostage. I don’t do it on purpose, although I think my co-workers are starting to think I might be. It has happened at least 5 times. And I really do feel terrible each time I do it. I just am so busy focusing on making sure the money is correct that I forget that I am supposed to give them their identification back. (Although yesterday I managed to give someone his id back and didn’t give him his money… the funny things I do… How often do you see a banker chasing someone trying to give them money?) Shrug. So my new living situation is interesting, on the one hand I have one roommate who is probably the sweetest person I have ever known. (she is too young so don’t go getting any idea’s) and on the other I have someone that I can see has a good heart, but it is hidden by her complete lack of consideration for others. The things this person does and the way she behaves is at times incredibly shocking to me, not to mention aggravating, but I think that everything will eventually work it’s self out as things have a habit of doing. And then downstairs I have two more roommates, a female who has a sense of humor similar to mine, (I think one day we are going to make the world cry as part of our diabolical plan) and then the most recent addition to our house. An older gentleman like myself, and I haven’t really spent too much time getting to know him as of yet. I only met him for the first time Monday night; he is thirty and has a ten year old. (His child won’t be staying with us, so I know even less about him.) Supposedly there are plans to have another female move in downstairs. I have met her once, she seemed nice enough, time will tell.
This past weekend was rather eventful; the roomies threw yet another party. (Our 3rd in the two weeks I have lived there.) All things considered it was a relatively small party with just a few people getting stupidly drunk. There were people passed out and vomiting inside a locked bathroom and other people drunkenly making out and some people that drunkenly set out on a pilgrimage down the very dark street at 2 in the morning. (Oh the fun we have.) For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, I rarely if ever drink, there are the few occasions, (such as my two week trip to Hawaii) and once in a while if I’m not planning on going anywhere, or if I am not responsible for anyone else. I like to make sure that there is at least one person that is able to drive to a hospital if the need arises.

In other new house related news, we have been having some really odd experiences with crack heads, “Let me ‘splain, no there is too much, I’ll sum up” (It’s a quote from the Princess Bride) anyway a week after sleeping in the new house, at around 2:30 in the morning there was a random knock at the front door and then at my window (the closest window to the front door) when I answered the door there was a very frail woman possibly in her late thirties to early forties, that was crying about some letter that she had in her hands that she had supposedly gotten in the mail that day, (Crack Head Clue number one, it was a Sunday night) Through the screen door I talked to her and let her know that no one by the name of Darren currently resided in the house, (turns out Darren lived in this same house over 12 years ago, Crack Head Clue number 2!) She asked to come in and I less than politely said no… (I reminded her that it was two thirty in the morning and I wasn’t going to let her inside my house. It was probably said more colorfully than that, but this is a family blog.)After we closed the door we called the police and I went downstairs to check on the other roommate, to make sure she was alright, the cops came and we found out that they were very familiar with our house, (including the downstairs being a separate apartment!) Apparently back when our former mystery tenant Darren lived in the house he was dealing narcotics and the local PD had a nice little file on our address. (Imagine my Joy!) The cops looked around and searched for our little crack lady but apparently she had disappeared… About a week after that while I was asleep on the couch at 6 o’clock in the evening we had a different set of crack heads pull their vehicle into our driveway and look around, apparently they knocked on the door as well but I was completely unaware of it, luckily one of the girl’s brothers happened to come over at the same time and chased them off. Our downstairs roommate has had two experiences that she is convinced were crack heads but the evidence is circumstantial at best, the first was that her T.V. randomly turned itself off. She is convinced that the crack heads have her remote. (She bought the TV without a remote.) And the second experience is even vaguer; somehow a very large pair of shoes (size 12 and ½) randomly appeared in her foyer. She is convinced that the crack heads left them in her apt after their last excursion… (I like that she is way more paranoid than I could ever be.) There isn’t too much else going on in my life. I am still working both Jobs, all the while trying to figure out the whole dating situation outside of the bar scene. I have recently been addicted to a show on DVD that is no longer on TV, Veronica Mars it’s a Noir show set in high school, it’s really well written and has some awesome actors, if any of you out there are Fans of TV on DVD I would definitely recommend it, though I am warning you it is highly addictive! I think I have babbled on enough for this week I hope you are all doing well and I will talk at you soon.

Random Piece of Humor:
Bank Robbery
A couple of dumb hicks from West Virginia decide that they are tired of being poor and plan to go into Wheeling to rob a bank. They practice safe cracking for months until they are able to open any safe around.
Late one night they drive into Wheeling and go into the first bank they see. When inside to their surprise, they see dozens of little safes instead of one large one. They open one of the safes and inside they find a container of vanilla pudding but no money.
They eat the pudding and continue to open one safe after another only to find a container of vanilla pudding in each one. Around daybreak they still haven't found any money but are quite full from eating all the pudding so they decide to go home.
The next day the headline of the Wheeling Gazette reads "Sperm Bank Robbed"