Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Complete Marmot Guide (a fast fiction)

The following is a fast fiction story.

Fast fiction is derived from being given a random title (up to four words) and constructing a short (200 word story). This first fast fiction title was suggested via twitter by @duplicatehelix.

The complete Marmot guide

Cowering in the shadow of his burrow, crouched the young marmot. Discretely hidden amongst the loose rocks the uprights dislodged while laying the parallel flat rocks.

The Marmot knew there were rules to survive living so close to an upright burrow. There were risks and rewards, though the risks frequently overshadowed even the best rewards.

Rule #1. Daylight is dangerous.
The uprights are mostly day foragers and hunters, and are prone to hunting to fight boredom. While they are still present at night they seem more interested in their sour water and females than their surroundings.

Rule #2 Food on the fly.

The uprights seem to leave food everywhere they go, but if they discover some other creature consuming, they will chase with thundersticks and place their prey's skin on their walls.

Rule #3 The further the better:

The uprights control sweet plants, they guard the outskirts of the sweet plants tend to be homes for 8 leggeds and water holes out of the line of sight.

Knowing these rules the marmot waited until the light grew dim, ventured across the flat rocks, and crept near the sweet plants, only to be snatched into the air by the talons of the great grey owl.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Five things you didn't know

So some friends of mine and my very beautiful girlfriend Helen have decided to blog everyday until the start of Vidcon, I know that it is highly unlikely that I am going to be able to make that type of commitment.

In fact I am convinced I wouldn't last a week let alone 29 days, so I have decided that when ever one of them brings up a topic that I have an opinion on or that tickles my fancy, I am going to write my own blog, Hooray for solidarity, or lazy idea thieving writers.

The topic that caught my idea today was written by the very beautiful Helen Abbott, I'm not biased, really. The girl is a fox. Her blog today was based on a youtube video by one of our friends Kayla.

I am now going to answer the same questions to the best of my ability!!!

Question 1. If you could go back in time and speak to your 15 year old self, what one thing would you say to yourself?
Wow, 15 years ago, I was a bit of a bastard child. I think I would tell the young twerp to avoid girls named after Greek mountains that resemble them in stature no matter what they are willing to do to get your attention.

I think I would also tell him to be a bit less of a jack ass to his mother, although I doubt I would listen. And to let her know that she should stick with the Wild ginger haired guy that her children adore, as she will eventually figure out she is his brand of heroine. (I should be shot for referencing my mother and her husband and Twilight in the same sentence.)

Question 2: If you had a boat what would you name it?

I think if I had a boat I would name it The Scarlett Delorean, referencing two things that have a solid influence on me to this day. Spider-Man (aka the Scarlett Spider)and Back to the Future.

Question 3: What was your best birthday ever
I think with out a doubt my best birthday ever was my thirtieth birthday. I was in England with the love of my life, and could not have asked for a better day.

Question 4:
In a film of your life what actor or actress would play you?
Helen suggested the British comedian James Corden, which I would obviously be happy with, though as Helen mentioned she talked about this very same subject on her show last week, I think I would be happy with Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen or Jack Black if James Corden was unavailable.

Question 5: Is there something you do that not many others know about, that would help them if they knew to do it?
Much like Helen this question confused me. I think they are asking if I do anything that helps me get by in life that others are unaware of that might help them. I think the thing I do most is watch, Adults, children, Men, women, animals, life happens with out waiting. If you aren't looking it might happen with out you.

Random Links:

As I mentioned a few of my friends are doing this blog everyday till VidCon thing, I don't have all of their links but here are a few that I am aware of. I think Karissa and Mary Kate might be vlogging on youtube everyday as well, check out their links leave them a comment, everyone loves comments.

Mary Kate



If I didn't put your name in this list leave a comment and I will rectify it.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (details of a seemingly unending jorney)

The following post is a summary of three emails I sent to Helen detailing my trip home, some parts have been edited and others have been added to help the flow. If while reading this it strikes you as though I am speaking directly to an individual as opposed to the masses that is why.
I have so much to tell you, I will try and put it into a recognizable frame.
After I left you at the security checkpoint, I walked ages through the terminal, realized I should have used the toilet after I passed a sign that said there were no further toilets after a certain point. LAME!!!!

I was in the fourth group to board the plane and my seat was very near the rear of the plane which is always fun,it was supposed to be an aisle seat but the woman I sat next to, a large very loud, very opinionated and very flexible (i found out mid flight) black woman. She was obnoxious but not the worst person I have run across. She asked me to switch with her window seat as she likes to frequently get up and down during the flight. At one point half way through the flight on one of her many up and downs I got up and went to use the toilet, and as I was waiting for the loo I watched her do all this Yoga stretching nonsense. Some of which was very impressive.. for a woman of her size, approx 15 stone (230 lbs)... i think.

The rest of that flight was mostly uneventful, I arrived in Denver made it through customs and border checks. As I was heading from the baggage recheck to the terminal I got on one of those trans terminal train things with a group of 14 year old cheerleaders that were 'surfing the tram' I was not sad to say good by to them when I got off. I was able to hijack a local wireless network and talk to this beautiful English girl that I know, I think you know her...

I was in the fourth group to board on the Denver flight as well, (whats up with that?) and I sat next to a Vietnam veteran that was very proud of his service, (of which he served less than two years) he was kind of funny as he was talking about how much harder they had it than soldiers of my generation. He got shot in the shoulder and took some shrapnel in the leg, and spent the majority of his life working for the Postal service. A nice enough guy...

I arrived in Seattle and that brings the end to the first day of actual travel.

Previously on your boyfriends voyage home we discussed the two plane journeys... a loud black woman a group of junior cheerios and a Vietnam vet...

We now join his journey already in progress.

When I arrived in Seattle I had to ride another damn tram with more annoying people, (this time it was two OAPs (Old Age Pensioners a British abbreviation) bragging about their Airline benefits.) I partook in that weird ritual of baggage claim, you know the one where you all stand around and stare at the baggage carousel waiting to jump up and cut anyone that gets between you and your luggage. Luckily for me and my VISA application no one was harmed during the retrieval of my luggage. ( I may or may not have growled at annoying OAPs in my way.)

After collecting my luggage I found the exit and walked outside and found Trey and his Black Jeep Wrangler waiting. He had just happened to have just pulled up. "Excellent timing!" He said as he got out of his Jeep and helped me load my luggage into the back. As I got in and settled he asked what I wanted to do and I said I had no plans other than to eventually get to moms down in Oregon. We had already previously decided that we would attempt to do that the next day and after stopping at a grocery store to pick up some much needed Ice tea and REAL AMERICAN Lemonade, we headed for his house.

We decided to rent a film, to pass the time as neither of us were tired enough to go to sleep but both felt crappy and didn't feel like going anywhere. We rented All about Steve with Sandra Bullock it was a good film. but due to the NyQuil I had taken I started passing out fairly early on into it.

Trey had said that he was a little worried that Inara wasn't going to remember me, thankfully she did remember me and reacted like I had returned from the grave. She didn't leave my side the entire time I was in their house, and she slept on me that night on the couch, she was absolutely adorable, I was going to Dailybooth but I was having issues with the Internet.

I headed to sleep, on his couch down stairs and at some point, Britta brought me a blanket and pillow and I crashed out, I only slept till about 6 am, and then I read for a while. (Pandaemonium as I had finished Carter beats the devil while on the plane. GO ME!!!!)

As I am writing this Ted has just turned Saturdays episode of Doctor Who, I am continuing to write you my trip rant, but I am very likely to be distracted.... BOOBS
we now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.

At about 8 Britta came downstairs and tried we talked for a while. Around 9:30 Trey finally woke up and came downstairs, And he and I tried to set up my phone via my original plan, but as I found out today that is not an option. More on that later.

After some hemming and hawing about what to do and Trey telling me he really didn't want to drive me down to Portland we decided I would take the train to Portland (a ridiculous four hour trip) and Mom and Ted would pick me up from there. As Ted had wanted to visit his parents in Vancouver for a while.

So at 2pm Trey took me to the saddest train stop you have ever seen in your entire life, (similar to Derby Road only looking less like a train stop and more like a walkway near the tracks.) For some unknown reason Trey reserved a Business class seat so I ended up paying more than necessary ($60.00 instead of less.) But all in all it was a nice trip. My nose was running like non stop which was really aggravating but not the worst thing.

I sat next to skinny little man on the train (who I am pretty sure I just annoyed the piss out of with all of my sniffling.) There was a plug near my seat so I was able to watch one of the films I had on my itunes. (I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall which is really funny I think when you have some time you should check it out. ) OH I forgot to mention the train limited what I was allowed as far as carry-ons, and there was no checked baggage, so I had to eliminate my large carry on, I crammed as much as I could into the two other suitcases and Trey is going to ship the rest down sometime this week.

I managed to get off in Portland at the right stop (shock and awe I know) and walked through the Terminal, which can I just say was the nicest Train terminal I have seen in ages, like seriously it was fantastic. Really a beautiful building with a fantastic interior, surrounded by ridiculous and amazing pieces of Art.

I walked outside and found my mother and Ted and Kai(their dog) waiting by the Truck, and with that I will end today's rant. I love you so very much I hope you had a wonderful evening. I hope you are sleeping better .

When we last left our Hero we had just arrived at the Portland and met up with Ted and Marry other wise known as his parents...

We now return to our adventure already in progress,

I went out to the truck where my mother was standing and gave her a big hug and said hello to Ted and Kai, (seriously that dog goes everywhere.) My mother decided that we needed to wrap the suitcases in plastic trash bags in case it continued to rain on the three hour trip back home. (Which it didn't) Apparently the torrential downpour on the way to Portland had seemed as if god (lowercase g deliberate) himself was throwing buckets of water on the highway over and over again, (my mothers words)

On the ride home I was really feeling the jet lag and the conversation was mostly about what I did while I was with you, as well as about you, and sex and blow jobs... lol. I so wish I was kidding. Before we got home we stopped for fuel, which cost nearly $3.00 a gallon, so Ted not wanting to pay this outrageous amount (sarcasm is fun) decided to only get 3 gallons worth of fuel. (we were really close to home, and I mentioned how petrol worked in England, (i.e charging nearly £1.30 per liter which is about a fourth of a gallon) and how respectively speaking we were lucky) After that we went to walmart to get things like toothpaste, deodorant (for me) and razors for my mom.

After wal mart we went to a grocery store similar to waitrose named thunderbird, (lots of Native Americans in this area) and picked up vitally important things like Iced tea and other things I can't think of right now. We also rented Avatar from a redbox vending machine (only a dollar a day!), and then finally went home.

We arrived home at about 10:30 and you and I were able to talk a little online. That was fantastic. My mom had prepared corn beef and Ted and I had awesome sandwiches (Corn beef on rye with actual Pickles Swiss cheese and mustard, mmmm mmmmm) We watched about an hour of Avatar before Ted and I both starting passing out from pure exhaustion and decided to go to bed.....

And that is where the journey concludes... tune in tomorrow for The First day on the Job... where you will learn all the things our hero had to learn as well as how he will be paid... I love you....


PS. Hearing you this morning (last night for you) was absolutely fantastic, I seriously did cry, like actual cry not just eyes watering, I miss you so much, I can not wait until we are together again, I want to spend the rest of my life starting and ending every day with you by my side.

I hope you bought some Aloe Lotion for your sunburn it really looks painful Take care of yourself today!!!

Mom really enjoyed your show today, (she also cried, she started during the initial All by myself song, which was brilliant but completely heart wrenching!!

Random Fact: I am dating the most fantastic woman on earth. I am a very lucky guy. The above picture was taken at The Craptacular Portland Zoo nearly a year ago the weekend Helen and I met in person the first time.