Saturday, January 05, 2008

Happy Belated New Years!!! And A Tale Of Drunken Debauchery

At the end of my last blog I mentioned that most of my Christmas was pretty stellar. And then two hours before I wrote the blog something terrible happened.I wanted to wait until all parties involved were informed so that they wouldn’t find out in one of my rants. The week of Christmas My roommate and I were pet sitting for our landlords as they were out of town with their family on their Mexican Vacation, we were pet sitting a 12 year old rottweiler and a 10 week old kitten, we have no idea why (my landlords have 6 other cats and the dog gets along with them fine.) but the dog hurt the kitten; there was blood everywhere and the kitten ended up dying. Obviously not the way that I had hoped to end my Christmas. The worst part of it was that for some reason my house is completely void of any shovels so we weren’t able to bury the kitten until New Years Eve. 

     I want to thank my grandparents and my Mom and Ted(dad) for the very cool Christmas gifts. That card was awesome Mom. Thank you all so very much. So funny story about the mail and why things are so messed up right now. Apparently when Gilligan moved out he attempted to put a hold on his mail as he didn’t have a forwarding address. Because amazingly bazaar things happen to me, the post office decided to put a hold on all of our mail. So last night I got a whole bunch of mail, including two checks that would have been very helpful before Christmas. But what can you do? 

       New Year's Eve was a blast I would like to describe it in vivid detail but yeah I can’t. I tend to write about these parties where I am more of a chaperone than a guest. So while we were burying the kitten New Year's Eve morning, I promised everyone that i would drink and I was a man of my word. It started off innocently enough, the girls and I were going to do a shot of the Tequilas (Pomegranate flavored and Vanilla flavored) that Red brought from Mexico. Well, after about six... ...teen shots I lost count. Before the party I had bought some Vodka’s (Grey Goose and Skyy) and apparently drank them. as well as a six pack of Mikes hard Berry. (Am I a boozer or what?) I believe it is at this point where I was way more drunk then was absolutely necessary. Apparently I was going around to everyone at the party and groping them. Luckily this only slightly annoyed most of the people at the party and they laughed it off.

           One guest remarked that I was one of the luckiest drunks he had ever seen as he watched me grope him and followed directly with groping his girlfriend. Red did an awesome job keeping an eye out for me and made sure I didn’t do anything to get myself killed. At one point she decided that she should put me to bed and I took this to mean I should run from her as much as I could. I have been told more than once that I was a very happy drunk and that for the most part i giggled like a 14 year old school girl. (Yeah... that sounds about right.) Red eventually caught me and put me to bed around 2 am. Apparently the party went on for another 2 hours but i have no memory of anything after I took my pants off at the foot of my bed. I do want to take this moment to once more give a public apology to anyone that I offended by either groping either them or their significant other as well as to the people that are important to me that were offended by my behavior. I might have also said some things that could be construed as rude and unnecessary to two of my guests that choose to swing from the same tree. My Bad.

     The next morning I woke up with a slight headache but other wise feeling perfectly fine. We all climbed into the CR-V and decided to go out to a late brunch. We originally planned to go to IHOP but apparently everyone else in the tri-city area had the same idea. At this point I said something incredibly rude to a very large couple. (The comment was completely uncalled for, and had something to do with consuming pancakes and it was really funny.) At this point we decided to go to Red Robin which was down the street a ways... Mainly to prevent me from insulting more people. and then we saw a movie... and that is how i spent my New Year’s. 

     We had another party tonight and as I write this it is 3:30 in the morning.  I was sober. Which is how it should be, my new co-worker stopped by and tried to teach me to dance a little, it didn’t go over well but it was fun. I hope you all had a very happy new year and I will probably post another blog around my brithday... 

   Here is to 2008

Oh by the way Mr. Brooks thanks for the MAC mouse tip... I really appreciate it.

A Random Observation:

How to convert from military to civilian life

Army life, In Other Words...Your OLD Life!

1. Admit:

"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30am and 2:00pm

Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of contact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, ass, bed, and workout... get used to it.

"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".

Grunting is not talking.

It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"

People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you usually spend your Monday's doing a PMCS and that you need a 5988 before you can do a proper QA/QC or that you spent a deployment in USAREUR. It's all gibberish to them.

Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six" or "pop smoke."

Also, the people you hang out with now are your friends and the people you work with are your co-workers. There is no such thing as a "battle buddy" anymore.

3. Style:

Do not put creases in your jeans.

Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.

A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.

A high and tight looks really dumb as well.

A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.

You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Relationship:

Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.

Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

In the real world, being able to do pushups and run a 13 minute 2 mile will not make you good at your job.

Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.

How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"

That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.

That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.

7. Bodily functions:

Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".

The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.

You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.

VD will also not be funny

8. The human body:

Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

9. Spending habits:

One day, you will have to pay bills

Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.

Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.

One day you will need health insurance .

10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal. Calling him a "fat-body" is not polite.

11. Real jobs:

They really can fire you.

On the flip side you really can quit.

Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.

Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.

Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1700

12. The Law:

UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.

Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will get fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested

Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job

Fighting is not a normal thing and will really get you arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

13. General knowledge:

You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.

Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.

They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.

Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.